Bob in Crisis: Day one

Holy crap, my car was broken into! Yesterday morning, I was going to move my car from one side of the street to the other, per usual. When I got to my car, my heart sank –broken glass, change from the ashtray gone, glove box rummaged through and items once in the trunk now in the front seat, thoroughly searched.

Shattered glass,

shattered dreams
THERE WAS NOTHING OF VALUE IN MY CAR! There was nothing on the seats that a prospective criminal would have seen to make him want to break in. It just plain sucks! After brushing the glass off the front seat, I drove to a car window place — $300 for a brand-new rear quarter panel window, plus $100 for installation. No thanks; they tried 4 places to look for a used window but to no avail.

Now, I’m looking for a used window as my car sits on the street with a plastic garbage bag taped to the spot where once, there was a window. So, let’s take a second to recap all the crimes that have happened to me in this fair city, since 1995:

#1 Hit, very hard, in the back of my head with an egg – causing my head to bleed.
#2 Some punks scratched the words “Fuk you” in the hood of my old car.
#3 Hit in the back with a snowball by some 8 year olds. (That was on Sunday)
#4 The broken car window on Tuesday.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so sick of this petty BS!

I am thankful they didn’t destroy anything on the inside of the car. Damn, it’s always something! The guy upstairs that plays his music too loud, the unfriendly bus driver, the unexpected expense of everything, this city, this damn city! And for what? FOR WHAT?!!!!

I know three people that have had their cars stolen. Think about all the people you know, isn’t that an unusually high amount of people that share that experience? The concrete jungle has officially gotten to me.

On my walk home last night, I noticed about a hundred cars that would have been better prospects than mine. However, I don’t wish a ransacked car on anyone. I ran into a policeman and asked him if he thought I should file a report. He said unless you need a record of it, you don’t have too. He told me a drunk or junkie looking for five bucks probably did it. Then, he said he was sorry and told me to stay warm. Nice guy. I did find a used window after a daylong search. $110. I can live with that. Crisis over but I’m still pissed.

That’s it. God Bless America.

Hello.

Today’s POD is brought to you by my friend Jay. He saw a dog wearing sunglasses outside the Beaver Creek Denny’s in Colorado. I love that photo! It’s a dog wearing sunglasses! Now that’s a photo!

Jay and his family went skiing. It sounded like they had a great time. This photo of Jay on a snowboard was taken while he was practicing going downhill backwards while balancing on the toe side of the board.

lessons
I think that’s pretty cool. And that brings us to a major BobBorden.com announcement. As of today, 12/10/02, I’m going to dedicate my life to becoming an extreme snowboarder. I’m not going to take plain snowboarding lessons – only extreme snowboarding lessons. I’ve worked on the best show in Late Night for the past 7 years — now it’s time to move on. I wonder if snowboards have a weight limit? That will be the first thing I look into! Anyway, thanks for the inspiration Jay!

Christmas is sooooo close. I don’t have anything done yet. I’m still thinking about ideas for my annual Christmas CD. It has to be something that people will really listen to. That’s my goal. I have a few ideas; I’ll have it figured out by the weekend. Next year, my goal is to put out a Christmas DVD. The future is now. Well, actually, it’s next year, ha ha. I haven’t even bought Christmas cards, damn! I have to get on the stick.

I have to say, I got caught up in some of the hype surrounding The Sopranos season finale and I really wish I hadn’t. The great scenes between Tony and Carmela were totally overshadowed by my expectations of waiting for someone to get whacked. Stupid media. Stupid Bob. I like Carmela’s new hair. It suits her. When I was a kid, I saw a woman drive around town in a blue sports car. She had long flowing blonde hair. I thought to myself, damn, she’s f-i-n-e! But when I saw her face, she was an old woman. Imagine your grandmother with long blonde hair, driving around town in a sports car. Not a good idea. The Sopranos is over for another year.

OK, that’s it for today. Thanks again to Jay for the photos. God Bless America.

Congratulations to Larry Csonka! Way to go #39!

Welcome back! A week off is just what the doctor ordered! The last time I wrote it was Thanksgiving. The day after Thanksgiving, I loaded up the car and drove back to Ohio. I didn’t do a heck of a lot. I think I may have spent 3 or 4 days indoors. The first day was a sleep over with the nephews. We had a good time, playing games and hanging out.

I spent some quality time with my Mom. Did some personal errands. I got some new glasses. I didn’t realize it at the time but the new glasses look eerily like my old glasses.

Holy moly it’s cold out! Last night marked the first night I needed to put on my gloves. Had I had a hat with me, I would have put that on too. However, my Pea Coat is mighty warm! Those Navy boys knew what the heck they were doing when they put that together.

Hey, I just remembered, Happy Thanksgiving! I’m at work. I should say, I will be at work when you read this – I’m writing this Wednesday night. But I pretty much know how the day will play out. Get up really early, work, enjoy the lovely meal at work and after work something new for me this year, I’m going to see a movie with friends. I’m looking forward to the movie.

I’m thinking about starting Tommy Maddox this week in my Fantasy Football league but he’s coming off an injury and the coach won’t say for sure if he’s going to start or if Kordell Stewart will start. I’m in a quandary, I feel like risking it with Maddox but at the same time, I’ve been talking a lot of smack this week because I had the highest score this season, 2841 thank you very much, and I don’t want to put in a player that ain’t going to play – Bobby needs points baby! Decisions, decisions! If you hear anything today, please let me know.

There’s no one checking out my site today, right? I can’t imagine who that person would be?

If you are checking out my site today, Happy Thanksgiving, now go eat some turkey!

Program note: BobBorden.com is on hiatus until December 9th. I’m taking a break because I want to get all my Christmas shopping done early this year. Wish me luck!

God Bless America.

12:19 am Friday
Tonight, Walter, “Sally”, Chris, Jay and myself caught the new James Bond film, Die Another Day. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie on a major holiday before. I was surprised that it was sold out. I was even more surprised by how much the movie stank! And that’s why I’m making a special 12:30 am post. You don’t need to go to this movie, learn from my mistake. When I was watching the first sequence of the film, it felt like a parody of the genre – the very genre that this series of films created in the first place. I have to get to bed. Bad movie.

I want one of those UN inspector trucks. Those things are sweet! Although the looks I’d get from people probably wouldn’t be worth it. Once again society is preventing me from doing something I want to do – Damn society!

It’s Thanksgiving Eve, if I can call it that. I hope everyone has a great one and I hope all your travels are safe. I’ll be here tomorrow. We work on Thanksgiving. I think this is my eighth Thanksgiving away from home. 7 or 8, something like that. We put the show on, a lovely meal is brought in and then we go home. It’s really kind of cool. I can stick my head out the window and watch the Macy’s Day Parade head down Broadway. The last few years, I drove my car in. I think I’m going to break tradition this year. I just have a vibe that’s telling me to take the subway.

I was really on the fence last night. I wasn’t sure if I should check out The Osbournes. They’re just so overexposed, if there is such a term anymore. I didn’t watch it. I decided to do a little self-introspection. OK, I played GameCube. I didn’t learn a lot about myself but I didn’t buy into the corporate Osbourne PR machine either. I’ll check it out this weekend; MTV repeats everything 100 times anyway.

That last paragraph was brought to you by one of my new characters, Redundant Bob. Personally, I think Redundant Bob is a jerk.

I saw a report yesterday on the number of websites out there that beg for money. I thought to myself, what kind of desperate people are out there? Let’s say I had a rich reader checking out BobBorden.com. I’d never, oh, say, ask for a Tivo – that’s so beneath me. Whatever happened to thegreat American work ethic?! OK, I’ve made my point — enough said.

I need a haircut. Just a trim, nothing major. But every time I go to SuperCuts and no matter how little I ask them to take off, they always take off the same amount. Hey, did you know that a Tivo can pause live TV? Huh. Anyway, back to my hair. So, I may just trim a little around my ears and call it a haircut. You can record like 60 hours with a Tivo. That’s cool. I’m getting to the stage where I have to tell the barber to cut around the bald spot. It’s not bald yet, just very, very thin. Fat, going bald and poor – that’s what I call the triple threat! Hello ladies. Screw it, somebody buy me a Tivo!

Whew, I went a long way for that one! The only saving grace is knowing that the whole world is probably on vacation today. No one’s reading this. I can say anything I want! I’m free, FREE!!!!!!!!! I want that new Honda Element. That looks like a cool little truck. They probably want you to pay for it with money. There’s the catch!

above paragraphs
OK, that’s it for me. I’ll be here on Thanksgiving. God Bless America.
I like Jazz.

I’ll tell you what I did last night; I got home, hit the showers and watched Monday Night Football. This Fantasy League I’m in has changed my life! And damn if that shower didn’t feel great!

I don’t know the names of all the plays and I don’t know the names of all the teams/players but I still like it. I still laugh when I see a crowd shot of some guys holding up a “D” and a paper fence. Again, in high school, I was in the band.

I don’t have anything new to talk about. So, I’m going to end it here.

Have a great day. God Bless America.

PS Mom, I don’t want to hear about this. Sometimes I just don’t have anything to write about. Stay sweet.

Hello. First up today, congratulations to Zach! Zach won my karaoke CD giveaway from Friday. Zach, send me your address and my greatest hits will be in the mail today. People really do win on BobBorden.com!

Friday night! I didn’t do much. Picked up some Mexican food and enjoyed some TV. I was shocked by one event Friday night. My cat Billy usually sleeps on top of the kitchen cabinets – that’s his spot. I hung up the phone and happened to glance over, they were both up there. Evelyn never hangs out up there, never!

step into Billy’s territory
I felt like the proud papa. Sometimes it feels like Wild Kingdom around here.

Saturday, I kicked around the house until 4. I was just relaxing. Then, I got the urge to do my laundry. I headed off to Nutley to my favorite laundry mat but the traffic was just too much. I turned around and headed to Jersey City. I don’t like the Jersey City laundry mat but it’s next to the A & P, so at least I can get my shopping done while my clothes are washing. I put my clothes in, then detergent and then the bleach. As soon as I put in the bleach, my heart sank. Holy crap, I put the bleach in with the colors! That’s such a rookie mistake — I was mortified! Quickly, I took everything out of the machine but the damage was done.

Bob ruined his clothes

I lost two great shirts, some pants, a few towels and underwear. I just bought the jeans a month ago! I was so defeated. I got home and added my newly bleached items to my “play clothes” drawer. Damn Damn Damn.

I watched The Royal Tenenbaums, cooked up a steak and washed away my bad experience with Diet Sprite and potato chips.

Sunday, I woke up around 11 and got ready for football. This fantasy league I’m in has really made it more interesting for me. I watched the Jets game. Around 4 I got a shower. The plan was to go outside and walk around. I never made it but I am glad I got a shower. I wish my apartment had a tub – sometimes I just feel like a bath. The Sopranos was uneventful. They can’t all be winners. And no more Curb Your Enthusiasm – Darn.

I watched ‘Like Father, Like Son’ on Sunday also. And that brings us to today’s Question of the Day. Which switch-a-ro film did you like best – Like Father, Like Son or Vice Versa? I’m not including 18 Again in that question because that film was horrible. My vote is for Vice Versa. Let me know on my message board.

That’s it. Have a great day.

God Bless America.

Hello. I’ve been very encouraged by all the message board activity this week. Thanks to everybody for adding your two cents. Well, it’s Friday, I made it through another week. I’m looking forward to a very low-key weekend of sleep, relaxing and hanging with friends or anyone that wants to hang out, ha ha.

I don’t mean to tell two bus stories back to back but when they happen, they happen. I was riding on the bus last night and two people said my pet peeve again. They got on their phones and said, “I’m in the tunnel, and I’ll be there in 5 minutes.” If I were on the receiving end of a phone call like that, my response would be, “You called me just to say that?!” Anyway, sitting one seat away from me was a very lovely Asian woman. She was talking on her cell phone. Her phone was hooked up to one of those wire headsets. Allow me to demonstrate:

phone etiquette
She had the mic close to her mouth and I couldn’t hear a damn thing she was saying! I LOVE THIS WOMAN! That’s class, pure and simple.

I was going to talk about something else and darn if I didn’t forget. Damn! I avoided a cold this week. I felt like crap on Wednesday. I asked my friend Lee for some vitamin C – his office is like a drugstore. He gave me this huge multi vitamin horse pill. This is gross but it changed the color of my urine for the whole day. That’s pretty much the end of that story. I should erase that; ah screw it. Like you never took a pill that changed the color of your urine? Prudes.

I’m coming up on my third year of making Christmas CDs for my friends and family. I was looking through my CDs last night and stumbled on my first project, Bob Borden Live From The German Beer Garden. It’s a karaoke CD. The song list is: Should I stay or should I go, Close to you, You’re the one that I want, Dancing queen, Rave on, Eye of the tiger, Everything I do, Jailhouse rock, Uptown girl and an original studio track, 500 Hot. I’m going to give it away to one lucky BobBorden.com reader.

Win Bob’s karaoke CD!!!!

If you spotted the mistake I purposely made in today’s diary, tell me about it on my message board and you’ll automatically be entered to win this very limited edition CD. I reserve the right to cancel multiple entries, so play nice. Entries must be received by the end of today. The winner will be announced in Monday’s diary. Only one person can win, to the losers, some advice – be nice to the winner, maybe he/she will make a copy of it for you?

That’s it! Have a great weekend! God Bless America.